Dear Momma Bare,
My daughter has beautiful curly hair, and she just wants it straight. I want to help her love herself as she is. How?
Straight-haired mom,
Emily from California
Dear Emily,
HI! (Emily is my friend! And I’ve known her awesome daughter, Anneliese, since she was a teeny tiny baby). I want to tell my readers that you are a great mom and love your kids fiercely. Which is exactly why you’re asking this. And I love you for it.
OK. Hair.
My hair is sort of wavy — it’s not curly, it’s not straight. In the years before flat irons, even before crimping (oh god help us) irons, I tried to IRON my hair. Like with an actual iron. For clothes. Here are some other things that happened: my mom shaved my legs when I was seven. I hated my leg hair so much and she did too; I hated my ears too, so I taped them, to my head; I dyed my hair all sorts of bizarre shades of burgundy; I used baby powder on my face because I wanted my skin to be lighter.
No one ever told me I was great, even just good, just as I was. That’s step one. And I know you’re doing that. She may not be saying that she hears you, but you know she does.
Here are some other practical pointers:
Show her some hair like hers. While it’s good to de-emphasize beauty as an important trait, it’s also good to show her how other curly-haired people look. Also show her bald people. And people with really short hair. Show her all the kinds of hair there are (dreads even!) and tell her that hair comes in all shapes and sizes. Just like people.
Talk about it. You can (and should) certainly express how much you love her and her hair, but some of that will just fall on deaf ears. Speaking of ears, I took this approach with my kids regarding their ears (because they look like mine). It really didn’t work when they were small. But they are all OK with their ears now, which is far more than I could say for myself as a teenager. Hair is such a tiny part of who we are, but it is the thing people see when they see us. This is a good opportunity to talk about all of our differences. Skin. Hair. Bodies. Abilities.
Offer her some hair choices. Maybe she’d like it shorter or longer or a different color. Allow her to learn to love her hair by owning it and getting to know it. We kept my son Sean's hair very short for many years (we let him bleach the front during that time). But the visibility of his ears was causing him some distress. So I just said, ”Hey, if you want to grow your hair long, go ahead.” He did. And just last week, he cut it short again. The first time in six years. His ears show now, but he’s old enough to not care. I like to think that is because we talked so much about how awesome his ears are (They are like mine! You can hear so much better! The president has big ears!).
Whatever you do, she'll eventually love her hair. Probably as much as your love her.
in love and cake and — not curly not straight but sort of just wavy — hair,
joni
Do you have a question for Momma Bare? Body? Sex? Kids? Email Joni at jonie@ravishly.com and she'll give you some goofy and possibly sound advice.
